cindy's.

----

2008-12-14T23:58:00.002+08:00

ohmygodzz i am very tiredz.

have not really blogged the past few days.
so here.ahhh.

caught twilight twice already,its v good!there is currently a twilight fever going on in my house,thanks to sheilayong whom under influence of the movie has assumed that all vampires are devastatingly gorgeous and beautiful.
she's bought all the books and is currently on book 2.(she started from 1.)
i am amazed,because my baby sis never reads.at all.
i personally am on both book3 and 1 now.(sheila hogged book1 yesterday night and wouldn't give it over,so i moved on to book2 first and finished it in one go.it's children's lit man.so now i'm on page 28 for book 3 and 135 for book1.i think.)

no matter how hard i try to force her to read even a simple book like say,harry potter!she thinks its boring.

so anyway.the story's not thaat great afterall.quite a let down,the plot is pathetically predictable and transparent.meyer's style of writing is mind-knackeringly simple.and my god her descriptive language is TERRIBLE!i laughed at the forgotten pagan god of beauty line.it was horrible!

ok la but i can tell why its popular.oh wellllz.there are better writers out there,thats all.

anyway!going iceskating tomorrow with choong!bery excitedz.
(:
he eez going back in a few more days,after the audition.
i'm very sad. but we will pull through!may faith be with us.because i love you,baby.

oh,i almost forgot!
think i'm going to go into tuition.or something.desperately need to earn moolah,fast!
i'm really in the poorhouse, ):

miss school.it feels like A levels has been over for like since forever.i just like,go out and have fun everyday!movies shopping malls coffee slacking reading(leisurely no more BNW or GE!) pool etcetcetc.not that i'm complaining!hahahaha.but i would like to spend my time productively.

oh yeah,did i mention that i'm nocturnal again?this time,its even worse.
i only sleep in the wee hours of the morning,like 8.tis amazing,isn't it??
my mum gets up at 8.and i go in to sleep then.haha.

ok don't know if you guys realized this,but i'm jumping randomly from topic to topic and this is a sign of my apparent lack of sleep and i'm utterly drained now.

goodnight.

P.S I LOVE THE WEATHER NOW.don't you all?ITS LIKE RAIN AND COOL TEMP. ALL AROUND.YIPPEE!reminds me of the colour grey.yay.my fav.
i don't even need to turn the aircon on.(but i still do,haha.)

when it all comes down to this.

2008-12-13T03:42:00.002+08:00

didn't mean it that way.
i still want you,you know.
i'm sorry.

eyes are closing.
oh well.

i think twilight is worth catching.
robert pattinson.is.hot.hot.hot.
i rate him a 7.woots!

despite the fact that i couldn't recognize him as cedric diggory in HP.i thought he wasn't very goodlooking then anyway.

must be the change of character.vampyres are sooo much more attractive than magicians,sorry.
haha.

so anyway!
its really late now.i'm feeling melancholy.

so will go now.bye.

i wish i could stay here,
but we both know the ending anyway.
seems like our love's on a time limit,
and time is ticking away.
i'm sorry i can't give you more,more of me more of this.
its the weak way out and it seems im not even trying.

i guess maybe i'm really not.
this love story,may end prematuredly.

but i'm grateful it ever happened.
i still love you,and i always will.
i can't stop you from hating me,for not being everything you wanted.i'm sorry..baby,i'm sorry..

HELLO,WEMEETAGAIN

2008-12-12T04:22:00.003+08:00

Hello everyone,
i'm back! (: yes albeit slightly late(its been about,2 and a half weeks since the Advanced Levels have finished.yippee!)

so yes,have revamped the layout etc as well.quite nice now,don't you think ? (;
its got a slightly more sophisticated vibe to it,not so moody and morose anymore.
hopefully i have grown out of that stage,seeing as i have finally turned 19 and rid myself of the 'fortune teller's curse'!(more to be mentioned in later blogpost)
mum must be so proud of me.
oh,but still i retain to the minimalist structure,i dislike those loud blogskins with like contrasting colours and images splattered everywhere basically screaming, LOOK AT ME!!! (ok seems like i still have quite abit of energy left in me,hahah.)

yeah.

ok short post because its very late now(early in the morning) and have got to get some sleep.

am heading to the library,and to marine parade to basically do a couple of chores, ie fixing of specs,etcetc.

need to make reading list as most peers have already started(if not created their own lists) but actually,i tend to prefer to just browse and pick my next book when i finish the first.
so shall just aim to finish 50 books for this month.ok,50 is waaay too ambitious,its not about quantity but rather,quality right!so,20 books should be reasonable. (:

ok goodnight!

if i had to i'd rather be off alone,and stay that way.

P.S realise no matter how succint i try to keep the posts,they never are very short afterall.just displays my knack to ramble on and on and on and on endlessly(you get the idea.)

SAY YOUR GOODBYES,

2008-02-20T21:23:00.005+08:00

FROM NOW TILL END OF THE ATROCIOUS 'A's,
THIS BLOG IS CLOSED.

or rather i'm just gonna stop.try to.try veryvery hard to.

i think its time to cut down on the computer hours per day la,after the talk by CT today.
it wasn't really a pep talk but at the same time she wasn't really scolding.
i mean,i've seen worse so yah.

and like,i should prioritise and make the most of my time.
cut down on stuff that i don't really need or am just addicted to.since i can't bear to let go of boyfriend i'll make up by intensively cutting down on many other things.
so blogging shall go,along with bloghopping and facebook and friendster.
they'll just be,stagnant.

i think i'll keep the flickr tho'.
and the music.

and when A levels are over then i'll come back,but for now its time to fight for my place in a local university.

ok la,who am i kidding.i'm just really scared shitless about SAs and meettheparent's session.
and the As,of course.but SA is approaching swift and soon before you know it it'll be econs which is DOOOOM.
and i have coursework to stress over ):
and lit,and math,and econs,and ohhhh.....the list goes on.

ok this is the last post for about ....7 months?
bye!
wish me luck for As won't you?i think i really need it if i want to get a place in NTU comm studies.or lit.or err,something along those lines.

OH AND ITS TIME TO SLEEP AT 12 EVERY NIGHT,so i won't feel like #$^*(*&^%$^&* in the morning.

take care,and byee!it was fun while it lasted,i'll be back. (:

PEP TALK!

2008-02-12T21:02:00.001+08:00

just finished the proposal for SL project.
sigh,have delayed it long enough la.i'm a terrible OIC, must stop procrastinating!

shit.SOVA tmr,i think he's going to scream at me.i feel terrible and very scared,
don't want to go for lesson tmr.
sigh.

have not been a good student lately,stop slacking cindy yong!
now is not the time to sit around and be a lazy pig.

ok,gotta go do econs essay plan Q3- which i have abso-fucking-lutely no idea how to do.
i don't even understand econs la.
think its time for consultations.
now,if only i could find time to have them.

training tmr,am looking forward to it despite having to stand under the hot sun and bake.
miss softball,miss coach miss the team.need to bat and throw some stress and anger out.

i know i've let alot of people down these few days.
come on cindy,pick yourself up and work hard!
work hard for your future,
work hard for yourself!for your family.for everyone who needs you.

had heart to heart talk with bitchy bestfriend just now.love you girlfriend.
the future holds so much responsibility,so many obstacles so many changes.
can i take them all?
can i survive them?
will i emerge from the long battle weary and jaded,
and resign to life and its unhappiness.

now i understand why grown ups are so tired and weary all the time.
its because the toll of life took the spark from their eyes and crushed their dreams flat.
took those fairytales away
cold hard reality closes in on them,
merciless as they claw for air
truth sinks in and nothing can feel as terrible than
the realization that hits them like a ten ton truck.
the future seems so bleak.

will we survive all thats coming our way?

i need to work so much harder.be so much more focussed.
i have so many things to do,
to the extent that i have only slept 4 hours in 2 days and am still functioning.
and i have not finished half of them.not even close.

slow down on the workload,slow down.
but i understand why they pile on the pressure la.
but it just overwhelms me at times to the extent where i can't breathe,can't can't can't breathe.
can't.

i think i'm used to it already.
soon i will be able to survive on an hour's of sleep everyday.
either that,or i will faint.
but no,i am strong.won't faint.

ok now cindy mustmustmust work veryvery hard for econs and everything else.
c'mon girl,you can do it.remember who you are.

am dreading tmr's sova lesson-
because i hate it when people shout at me.

ok cindy shall be hard core mugger from now on.
mugmugmugmugmug,pesevere!

BYE.

so small-

2008-02-12T00:02:00.000+08:00

What you got if you ain't got love
The kind that you just want to give away
It's ok to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide it swallows you whole
While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't changenothing's gonna pull us apart,
just wait and see.don't need to prove no nothing,
cos time will tell.
time will tell them how love's gonna keep us together.

ONE MORE DAY OH GOODNESS-

2008-02-11T22:53:00.000+08:00

TODAY WAS FLOWER SELLING DAY AT TPJC!

and hahaha,it was awesome.

great job everyone,it was lovely walking around school and seeing so many students holding stalks and stalks of paper roses.
really makes one feel accomplished and loyal to art club.
we rock!

hahaha,selling flowers is so fun.
stand there,smile and be chirpy and hand money back with a smile.
business tactics. i want to be a florist!

if i fail a levels,boyfriend says i can go sell flowers.haha,i kick you!

lessons were.boring,but lit was good today.
somehow ruth fung was on form today man,
i actually sat up and paid full attention for two periods straight and tried veryvery hard to think on her points,etc.
yay mariner!
think i'm beginning to get the hang of lit.but must,work hard harder hardest!

oh dear.sova test tmr,die die.

i am very happy,because boyfriend is finally back. (:
i love you baby.
MACHOW. (:sillyboy.

i'm just so happy that i've got you and i don't ever want to let go.
cos you complete me and i love you.

byee!

<3

2008-02-10T04:24:00.000+08:00

OH,OH OH MY GOD.
ALTHOUGH I DIDN'T DO SCHOOL WORK AND AM STILL NOT ASLEEP,
BUT I AM VERY PLEASED WITH MYSELF. (: (: (:

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY PLEASED!!!

I BEAM AT MYSELF. (:

ok back to work,byee!

SO NEAR YET SO FAR

2008-02-10T02:17:00.000+08:00

WALAO EH.

i sebei sian 1/2, fake meee!

basket.
bastard me.
):

sigh,nvm cindy its just one more day.ONE MORE!you can do it.
one more,one more.

puff puff.WALAO EHHH.

nvm,will not be displeased and demoralised.must be hurr and strong!

ANYWAY,to distract myself from DISPLEASING things.
i will blog about my day.

woke up late,cabbed down to dhoby ghaut(yah la i waste $) to meet PAE fellas.
ok,SOME of the pae fellas.
chatted,laughed,bitched.
hahahhaha.whatever la.

went to spotlight briefly,bought overpriced paper at $3 a piece.DAMNIT la! oh and a box. (:

met clara at 3(sorry for being late!) and we did fish&co.

headed to flesh imp and then to art friend.
on the way we bumped into jane. (:
found okaay stencils and paper and several other stuff.hahaha.

anyway,hsing shen and jansen said i dress very ah lianised today!OH DEAR.
cannot cannot,must change!
they say i look like i'm going for a funeral.
): so now i must wear more colourful clothes! okay bring on the neon baby.

anyway,spent like a shitload of money and now i declare myself broke.
cannot,cannot spend anyhow anymore!

and OHHH i bought the cutest set of lingerie and rara bought a slinky black pretty nightie/dress.
very sexy and cleavage revealing(her dress.)which i am sure daniel will be very pleased with,hurrhurr!
very happy with the lingerie.

ok i shouldn't blog about lingerie.i think boys read this!
but its like,one of my best buys today!*whine.

anyway,headed to cousin's home later for visiting and mahhhh jong.
hahahhahaha,goody good now i have craving for mahhh jong.

but NO!cindy will be serious and do homework tmr.
or later.

sigh,got like a mountain's worth of work to do.haha,good game cindy.
prepare to go back to school and get shelled by ALL the teachers.
who will proceed to throw stones at me then burn me at the stake.

andandand.Valentine's is on next thursday!the 13th is coming soon too,
oh holey moleyyyyyy-quoted from clara my favouritest girl.

and oh dear god i have dinner at orchard tmr,with the BFFs.
oh dearrrr.how to do homework!DIE.
DIE DIE DIE.

OK TIME TO SLEEP SOON. bye.

i think YOU put the love potion on me,baby cos -
i'm going crazy here.
maybe you team up with fad to administer large amounts of love potion into my water bottle when i'm not aware.
if not,how else can you explain this huge aching hole thats burning for your return and only steadily increases in intensity as each day goes by?
izui alyiskmrce os.i love you.

PEEKTORES/DAY FIVE.

2008-02-09T00:24:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHA.

EVIL CACKLE,TIME FOR UNGLAM PICTURES OF MY STALKER COUSINS!
hahahahahha,jo and lorraine.please,DON'T KILL ME!hahahhahahahaha.

haha,i will acknowledge your existence in this post and officially welcome you to my online journal also known as my blog.

[ sorry ah,please,don't kill me ]

JOLENE WHEN SHE PLAYS NINTENDO WII.

take 1,2,3! i think her hair is hot la.i lust for my hair to be of that luxurious length.
and she looks like a red packet,no?
LUCKY i never wear that dress,hahahahhaha.
tho' i have it in black,not fire engine red.

cherlyn and sheila passively watching the two crazy goons go high in picture 2.

hahahahahhaa,look at lor!you stalkerrrrr.

suigerrrrrrrrrrr!

sheila and our very jovial and merry 6th aunt.

the steamboat brunch.

HAHAHAH.shit la i think jo's going to kill me tmr.scream her head off at me and shriek into my ears while i try and run and hide while laughing my ass off.

don't worry la jo,i don't think people who read my blog know you!except for the occasional blog hopper.

and even then,you look quite hot la.haha!

OKAY SLEEP TIME,gotta be at dhoby ghaut tmr at 1130 for PAE CNY gathering-and 2pm at orchard for lunch/artfriend with my favourite-st girl.

then 7pm down to hougang for more visiting!and hopefully gambling and loads more screaming.(though not directed at me. )

OH SHIT.AND I'M DOING DINNER WITH THE BFFs AT ORCHARD TMR.

where the heck am i gonna find time to do my shitload of homework?DAMN.

GOODNIGHT WORLD.

goodnight little wolf.somehow it feels like you've disappeared.

but i know you're out there,somewhere.

hopefully thinking of me like how i'm thinking of you.

DAY FIVE

2008-02-08T19:35:00.000+08:00

today's more alive.more havoc,more fun.

watching stalker cousins play the wii,
gambling and laughing my head off at the terrible luck i have this year(omen,omen!)
stuffing our faces with sinful biscuits,awesome steamboat(thank you ah ee)
and chugging soft drinks like there's no tomorrow.

but everytime someone mentions you i feel this little pang in my heart,
the kind where you miss someone but they'r not here for you to hold and love.
the kind where you know a part of you is out there somewhere,
and you're longing for it to come back.

oh,happy new year to all.

anyone wants to go to Art Friend tomorrow?at taka. accompany me la!

(:

SIGHHHHH

2008-02-07T13:51:00.001+08:00

When you look me in the eyes,
And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.
When you look me in the eyes,
I catch a glimpse of heaven.
I find my paradise,
When you look me in the eyes.

DAYFOUR.

2008-02-07T13:34:00.000+08:00

thursday morning,fourth day.
ok la,i'm not dead.

thats a consolation,right?hahah.

anyway,bought two books yesterday.
valley of the dolls and the almost moon.

yeah.yeah,i know!
hahahaha the almost moon,by alice sebold!

yes!the author of the lovely bones!yes!
hhhahaa,i'm so damn excited too.
but no,that book must wait.
can only read it in the right moment,mood,atmosphere and surrounding.
that'll do the book justice. (:

right now am so bored.
CNY is always damn boring.yawnnnnn.

am now stoning in front of the laptop with my dog on my lap,taking a nap.

haha hey it rhymes!!!
my dog on my lap,
taking a nap.

hahhahahahahahahaa. shows you how bored i am now.

BYE.

GONG XI GONG XI

2008-02-06T13:33:00.001+08:00

SCHOOL IS OVER.

NO SCHOOL TILL NEXT MONDAY,YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok now that the high from A06 lou hei(very messy one) and brownies and icecream has died down,(i love A06)

i must go to work now.

sigh,but nvm. still,happy CNY to everyone and have a good holiday. (:

BYE!

and i miss you. ):

hope you'r doing fine there.and still remember me.

i miss your hamster cheeks. ))):

GONG XI GONG XI!

HERO/HEROINE

2008-02-05T16:43:00.000+08:00

and i miss you so bad now,

need you here right now.

i hope you know that i'm thinking of you all the time.imissyoubaby.

DAY ONE.

2008-02-04T22:13:00.000+08:00

It's too late baby, there's no turning around
I've got my hands in my pocket and my head in a cloud
This is how I do
When I think about you
I never thought that you could break me apart
I keep a sinister smile and a hole in my heart
You want to get inside
Then you can get in line
But not this time

Cause you caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine

I won't try to philosophize
I'll just take a deep breath and I'll look in your eyes
This is how I feel
And its so surreal
I got a closet filled up to the brim
With the ghosts of my past and the skeletons
And I don't know why
You'd even try
But I won't lie

You caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?

And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me all around
I'm feeling like a newborn child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile

It's not complicated
I was so jaded
And you caught me off guard

Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?

i'm missing you already.

WASTING WEEKENDS,

2008-02-04T00:09:00.000+08:00

I WANT TO SLAP MYSELF.

for the past,three or so days i've been living in a cloud.

didn't really study,except when at library and did some art coursework.
then today,when i bloody reach home then realize.

shit sia,tmr got econs test,and lit test!
and i hafta do GP current affairs quiz questions.

AND I'VE NOT READ A SINGLE NEWSPAPER IN WEEKS,NOT TO MENTION THIS WEEK.
die la.

andandand,the worse part is!

FAD'S SICK SO SHE WON'T BE IN SCHOOL TMR!
BOYFRIEND'S GOING BACK TO MALAYSIA FOR THE WHOLE WEEEK!damnit.damn damn damn.

so i'm gonna be a loner tmr.wonderful,say hello to loner cindy.
nvm,i will be strong!and anyway i have clara and sallypok what,no need to scared.

(:

CNY IS COMING.i want to play pool and sparklers,so sallypok date me out,quickquickquick!
we will all go together and be silly.(clara sallypok faddy and if you would like to you can bring dan-ni-er and mirzaaaa)
<3

BYE.

P.S - i'm missing you like crazy alr.i mean it,ohmygod cannot survive la.you purposely right!

THE WEEK SO FAR,

2008-02-03T02:37:00.000+08:00

a rare sight indeedy. (:

<3

art coursework development.

i love how she looks like a pig here.

happy 13th birthday sheila yong.

YES I AM NOT ASLEEP,TERRIBLE ME.

I AM GOING TO GET MY HAIR CUT TMR,I'M SICK OF MY SIDE SWEPT FLOPPY FRINGE WHICH KEEPS FALLING IN FRONT OF MY EYES AND BRUSHING MY FACE-

IT'S BACK TO BANGS FOR ME.

BACK TO THE CHINAGIRL LOOK,SIGHSIGH.

goodnight.

WAITING FOR SOME BEAUTIFUL BOY TO,

2008-02-03T00:32:00.000+08:00

i'm sick.

like,my body aches and my head's so sore and heavy.
and i feel like a zombie.

spent the day in parkway,was unable to get MC cos the damn clinic was closed.
nvm,i'll get it tmr.

am very sad and lonely lately,friends are all busy and i feel so tired half the time.

AND OH YAH,i cannot believe myself la.
atrocious.

really have to curb my spending habits.
impulsive shopper,crazy.

even when i'm sick.
i can still spend up to $300 today.
kicks myself.

ok,from today onwards im not gonna touch the money anymore.
must save,save cindy save!

ok,i am very tired now.
badly need warmth and closure now.badly need a hug and you.
have to study,tell myself that.

sigh,do not want to screw my A levels up.

OH and did i mention,when you were young by the killers is like,one of my favourite songs of all time?so is starlight by the muse.maroon5,she will be loved. songs like that.new addition,stop and stare by one republic.
favourite band of all time - coldplay.

don't know why i suddenly typed that.

yeah ok,gtg sleep.am starting to talk shit.

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
when you were young

Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane that started turning
When you were young
When you were young

And sometimes you close your eyes
and see the place where you used to live
When you were young

They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young
When you were young

I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But more than you'll ever know

my prayer for the night.

STOPANDSTARE

2008-02-02T15:43:00.000+08:00

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see

am helplessly stuck to this song.

maybe because thats how i feel about my life now.
A levels is proving to be the biggest obstacle i've ever faced.

tired.so tired.

only when i'm with you,then a little of the immense pressure on me evaporates into thin air,
only when i'm with you,i get that bit of solace.

steady feet,don't fail me now.

gtg,bye.

SICKSICKSICK-

2008-02-02T02:45:00.000+08:00

finally,

after all the pressure and stress and lack of sleep and reckless neglect of health and walks in the pouring rain and skipped meals.

i've finally fallen sick.

the day before the econs test.
fuck.

i think someone up there's playing a joke on me.
on all of us.

now i'm stuck in a dilemma-should i go tmr or not.
but if i go,its a sure-fail.and fail spectacularly too.
damn.

just reached home,can you believe it?
i swear,my family is really the 21st century singapore addams family.
right now,my dad just finished showering and my mum's reading the newspaper.
brother and girlfriend is in the room laughing.

only my sister and maid is asleep.
and now dad's gonna watch i am legend,dvd.

swear we'r a bunch of vampires.
or new breed of nocturnal homosaphiens.

any scientists wanna come do tests on us?

wanna puke.disgusting feeling,i hate it.
fuckkkk.

and i'm fucking cold,can't stop shivering.even my insides are shivering.
tsk,terrible.

and best of all i haven't touched econs.die.
and i'm sure i'll die spectacularly tomorrow.
nvm.got boyfriend and haziq to die with me.

haziq:'eh i never study at all you know.sure fail one.you sure you gonna fail?'
cindy:'yah duh,since when i pass econs before.'
haziq:'ok set,we fail together.'

good to know that i'm not left alone.

but,i don't know if i can even get up tmr.fucking lethargic and sore all over now.
i swear my head's like,just in damn bad a state that i can't even think of proper adjectives to describe myself now.

should i attempt to read abit?i don't really want to go in and fail like shit,feel that i let ms peh down.
fuck la,i don't want to go.

why does it seem like i'm talking to myself?
i think i'm going crazy.delusional.hallucinating.

BYE.

theymakemecry

2008-01-31T23:20:00.000+08:00

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."
- Anonymous

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye."
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"The risk it takes to remain tight inside the bud is more painful than the risk it takes to blossom."
-Anais Nin

"She said 'I'm afraid of falling...' and he whispered 'I have wings.'"
-Harlem Shake

the last quote hurt the most.

sometimes

2008-01-31T20:00:00.000+08:00

sometimes i get so tired
i feel tired even when i'm asleep.
when i wake up i feel like i've just ran a ten km marathon.

sometimes life gets so hard
i just stop and stare at everything thats happening around me
everything passes in a blur and
there's so much i want to stop,to change but i can't seem to move no matter how hard i try.

sometimes i get so down
get so down and out
i just want to cry my heart out
but somehow the tears never come
maybe its because they'r flowing inside.

sometimes i just want to give up,
in exasperation in frustration.
i get so angry with the world,i get so angry with life.
i get so angry with myself.

i hate it when i channel my anger to someone else and i hate it most when i end up regretting what i did.

i wish my reflection could feel,so i can hit myself through the mirror.

sometimes i wish i was a better person.
smarter,happier,friendlier,and so on.wish i was easier to love.

sometimes i wish i wasn't so rash.so impulsive,so hot headed.

nobody's perfect.
but i'm trying to be,a better person each day.

i'm trying.

FULL OF SHIT.

2008-01-29T22:49:00.000+08:00

MY LIFE IS FULL OF SHIT.

(long blog post on my rantings about school and shit and shit shit shit and school.)

really,at this point now i can fully say with much conviction.

its really shitty.

i swear i'll never be able to finish the never ending pile of homework that only increases by each day and soon it'll just be a tsunami and drown me.

ok,so maybe its my fault because i procrastinate and cannot manage time well.
but seriously,what the hell!

SIGH.and now i'm going to be kicked out of econs tmr because i haven't done Q5.
and i haven't done Q5 cos my book isn't with me.
so,can't blame me right!

SIGH.

and come friday i have a major art coursework marking that is DAMN important.
no idea what i'm going to show her.
no new photos,because i don't have the time to get my camera.

when i say no time,i really mean no time.

tmr have training after school till late.by the time i reach home,it'll be 8.
thursday finish late.and even if i get the camera on thursday,not like i can do much.

i swear,i'm this close to suicide.*holds index finger and thumb slightly apart.
perhaps the only thing thats closest to comfort and is keeping me sane is the fact that the rest of J2s,or at least A06 is suffering with me.

but,they'r definitely coping better.

back to art.and i can't think of much to expand my coursework on,my mind's been damn sluggish and lag lately.
SIGH.

got GP essay to do(its one day overdue,damnit) and mindmap and errr.oh god i can't remember.
ah! cezanne paragraphs.
so much to do.so little time.

i feel the pressure getting to me,cracking me open..
like balls of lead chained to my ankles they pull me under.
and soon i cannot breathe and everything's closing in,closing in.
help.

i'm so under pressure but i don't even have the time for a breakdown.
thats how tight my time has become.
everything revolves around school,every waking hour every thought that passes through my mind.

i give myself ten more days.ten more days like the last 5 weeks i've had and i'll crack.
hang in there,don't let go.breathe.don't give up,don't falter.
you can make it.

but even as i tell myself this i can feel the dread pulling at me,a nagging feeling at the back of my head first,and then slowly grows an ugly head.taunts me.

OK THIS IS AS FAR AS I CAN GO FOR A BREAKDOWN(is it even counted?) because i don't have the time.i have to do my homework.

i'm bone tired but i can't stop.
can't.

stop.

EXHAUSTED.

2008-01-28T23:27:00.000+08:00

I AM SO TIRED MY EYELIDS CANNOT HELP BUT CLOSE ON THEIR OWN.

but,i cannot sleep for i have four things to complete tonight:

SOVA presentation,must brush up.
Econs Q5.
Econs mindmap.
GP essay.
Lit two para on comparision.

OK,MAKE THAT 5.I'M SO FRICKIN DEAD LA OKAY.

anyway,am damn fucking tired la sorry for the expletives but i cannot tahan ahhhh.

didn't sleeep a wink the night before and for the whole of today i was pretty much super high and energetic(don't ask me where i got my reserves of energy from,i have no idea)then when it came to econs tuition i half slept half bounced with attention.

i really am one weird girl la.
but now i can officially say,i am exhuasted.

really damn tired,briefly considered going to sleep now and waking up at 4 to do my work.

but,haiya knowing me i'd probably wake up at 7 la.
sigh.WHY IS SCHOOL SO TOUGH!
ok la actually it isn't,it's just that i manage my time terribly.
or you can say i don't even manage my time.

well,thats all gonna change now.
nownownow.

shall go have dinner and then decide betwen sleep now and work later or sleep later and work first.

think i'll choose the latter.

oh,got a new fossil watch today when was supposed to meet mum for bedsheets.
oh well,i don't fancy it much (liked the BCBGmaxzaria much more,but SIGH strap too thin.)

NVM,i'm still not done with CNY shopping. ;p

OK BYE.

totally redundant.

2008-01-27T15:23:00.000+08:00

come on cindy,you can do it.

focus,focus.
mugmugmug!

ok,will do work now.
damnit.

come on,you can do it.

come on come on.
tskkkk.

shall go GP essay,lit play/poem thingy and almost try to complete everything now.BYE.

HELLOGOODBYE-

2008-01-27T13:29:00.000+08:00

hello.
don't have to work today,so i shall rush all my homework now.

byebye.

THE BRIGHTEST STAR,

2008-01-27T01:08:00.000+08:00

I HAVE

one GP essay.
one SLR to buy.
one econs test on sat.ECONS!!!!!
one lit play to annotate.
one lit poem to annotate.
one comparision essay plan(or something like that).
one three paragraph commentary on SOVA.
one more math promo paper(TJC) to do.
one econs essay.
one econs mindmap.
one VERY IMPORTANT art coursework marking on 1st feb.

AND MANY MANY MORE.

and i went out today till midnight.

FUCK MAN,I'M SCREWED.

anybody wants to help me do my work?
sigh,but went out for a reason today.sort of.
mum needed help at the shop,cannot expect me to turn her down right!

in the end its sort of a good thing i went,cos i could leave early.and so met up with the boyfriend for dinner,haha damn happy initially thought wasn't gonna see him for the entire weekend and the whole of next week too.(other than in school).and that my parents 'hahhahahahahaha'. (:

WOOTS!

but,shit man i really am screwed.

tmr,got to work again.HOW THE HELL AM I GG TO DO MY WORK!
tskkkk,die.
come monday i will DIE.

nvm,will plan my time so that i can finish all my work AND pass the test on saturday.(i hope,gulp.)

tmr,get brother to get SLR for me.now that parents are 'hahahahhahahaha',i can get the SLR.
tmr night after work,rush home and do pending homework that is either overdue/due monday.
rushrushrush,don't sleep at all.
monday go for econs tuition and chug 1000 litres of red bull to stay awake,due to lack of sleep and yawn-some econs.

TAADAAA.pray for me,folks. (:
the brightest star tonight-was you.

SILVER LINING,

2008-01-25T23:41:00.001+08:00

physically and emotionally exhuasting day.

i'm totally drained.

5 rounds of track all under 13.14., softball training + physical(aka happy hour) after that.
i'm ready to collaspe.

after training.
met with pae bunch plus boyfriend plus some A05-ers to head to ricky's wake after training.
words cannot express the pain we felt and the agony that was tearing us apart when we looked into the coffin,to see his waxened face.

tears,lots and lots of tears.

but,i believe he's in a better place now.
he wouldn't have wanted us to live in such misery.
he would have wanted us to remember the good times we had and smile whenever we think of him,and still talk of him like he's still here with us.

because he is.in our hearts.

ricky brought the PAE bunch back together,i have to thank him for that.
though in pain and anguish,we were united,one clique again.
with embraces warm and tears mingled we find the long lost spirit we so carelessly threw away after PAE.
i still love you guys,each and every single one of you and i want to cherish every moment i can.

bye ricky,we'll meet again somewhere some other time..till then.
just know that this friendship was perfect.

farewell.

life's too short to spend half the time crying.
i'll treasure every moment i have and thank the heavens for every moment they give me.

reached home completely spent.
the walk home was completely in a daze,
could hardly see where i was going.

my mind's numbed and so is my heart.
i couldn't even think properly.
only wanted to reach home,bath and sleep.

but when i came online,and read TPJC messages,the one by ms norzian.
i felt so touched.
i melt.

its so beautiful the way she's able to see individuality and beauty in all of us.
reading her message i tear again.
i love the way she sees something so precious and unique in each and every one of us.

i love the people in my life now.
classmates.schoolmates.team mates.family.friends.you.

you.you,that special one the one no one can ever replace.you.don't ever leave me,don't.

i'm so tired.goodnight world,goodnight.
i love you.

2008-01-25T00:06:00.000+08:00

i can't take this anymore.

i can't,i really can't.

2008-01-24T23:14:00.000+08:00

A06 in GP class today.

toohardtotakeitin,

2008-01-24T22:56:00.000+08:00

its so hard to get over this.
it's too sudden.too big a blow to take in.

why.
they say God must have his reasons.
i don't see no reason good enough to take him away from his life,his friends his family his passion.

im sorry,i don't mean to offend anyone but to me i cannot see the 'its better this way,think of it as a release,he's gone to a better place '.

to me its bullshit,pretty lies to make us feel less bad.to help us let go of him.
to make it all seem better.

but they'r just pretty lies.
pretty words to make us feel better.

its all bullshit.

but,he would have wanted us to be happy and be strong.
i think i can believe that,i think i can.

PHOTOS!

2008-01-23T21:27:00.000+08:00

PHOTOS FROM THE MAD HOUSE also known as tampines junior college.and also affectionately known as the hellhole .

fad's jealous that my little big bird(paradox!) is waaay cuter than here.

so in the second photo,she attempts to strangle him.

BAD FAD,BAD FAD.

GISELLA HUANG XIANG WEN.this photo(the second one) is self-explanatory.

pao pao chaa,wo yao wo de paopao chaaa.

-.-

+ = KOPI-O LOVE.
look at kristal in the background laughing happily,i think she looks so cute!(1st photo)hahahha.
the cap belongs to huan geng,thanks for letting us fool around with it! (:
G MAN.hahahha,G STRING LA G MAN. ;p

clara,my favourite-est girl.

me and my favourite girls.fad's eyes are scary la,look! YOU FREAK.
hahahahhahaha.

when you're bored STIFF in math class.you camwhore with your bestfriend.you take photos of the maths rep who's pretending to look like he's concentrating.

PRETENDING.hahahhahah!

aiya maths rep ah maths rep,please collect your notes and don't make poor waiwan do it.

also,I AM not the subst. maths rep when you'r not around okay!you stupid.

don't come for lect people nag at me. -.- (go swim somemore la,swimmmm!)
'WHERE'S MATHS REP AHH WHERE AHHH' stares pointedly at me.

cindy digs hole and buries herself in it.

'CONDYTION CONDYTION'.(now is the part where i dig deeper and pour cement in.)NEVER COMING OUT AGAIN! >.<

phew,A06 drives me up the wall man i tell you!thanks VERY much to the person who so very intelligently came up with CONDY ah,thanks.melissachanmeishan!!!!!! -.- hahahahhahahaha,but okay la i admit,it is kinda witty.

OK I'M SLEEPY AND I HAVE HOMEWORK TO DO,LIKE EVERY OTHER JC STUDENT.suffering under the education system which is so very fucked up,if you ask my honest opinion.

which you didn't. (:

LIFE SUCKS.

2008-01-23T21:04:00.000+08:00

SHAG SHAG SHAG TIRED TIRED TIRED.

i'm shagged.
no i didn't shag anyone,i'm just shagged.
shagged = tired.

haha,why am i explaining.

training is killer today,total madness.
maybe its just me la,i'm so tired today.
slept in econs,slept in lit.
i swear i was struggling to stay awake la just that its so tiring!

and oh god,next saturday got econs test for the whole bluebook.
damnit damnit.

econs mindmap tmr.
sova presentation tmr,mr dk was sick the other time and lesson was cancelled.
tomorrow's such a long day.
i want to dieeee.
sigh,no cannot say that.
be careful for what you wish for.

OH.and guess what,today while on the way to school(daddy fetched me cos i woke up late)
i saw this BVgirl get knocked down.
like,she flew in the air when the car hit her.

but,she was able to stand up and walk away hurriedly as though embarrased.
i was so shocked i couldn't stop gasping and pointing.

she was crying leh,but didn't seem to have any injuries.
for her sake,i hope she's ok.
tsk.road safety people road safetyyy.

ok la,actually i should be lecturing myself on that.
i cannot count the number of times where a car beeps its horn at me and screeches to a brake.
i swear,i'm blind when crossing roads.
so one day if i really kena,

goodbye to me.

anyways im not done ranting about school and my pathetic life.
made pathetic by A levels.
SIGH.

tests,revision,coursework,homework,lessons....
OH GOD.
i'm struggling to stay awake in class la.its so boring.

andandand.i'm not meeting him this week. ):
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.nevermind,i am strong girl i will stay strong!I HOPE.

SIGH,life pretty much sucks now.

OK NEXT UP,PHOTOS!

try to look away try to ignore

FADE AWAY.

2008-01-22T20:51:00.000+08:00

today passed with mixed emotions.

subtle anguish,like an anchor was roped to my heart pulling me to the ground.
then distraction comes and i forget,even for awhile.

i don't know why but everywhere i look in school i can imagine seeing you there.

one by one,people are disappearing from my life.
soon,will i disappear too?

i hear laughter in school.see people smiling,laughing without a care in this world.
i feel buried.they seem so distant.

then all of a sudden my friends make me laugh and i'm one of them happy teenagers again.
but then i remember your face and i remember yesterday.

they say you wouldn't have wanted us to be so sad.
you would have wanted us to be strong,to take it in to move on.

i learnt an important lesson,which is damn cliched.
i hate it so much,i rebel against it but at the end of the day when it all comes down to this i find myself unable to fight the emotions.

i never want to neglect my time again,
live every second like it was my last one.
love who i love cherish who matters to me.

such a heavy price this lesson has.
too heavy a price,too heavy.

try to move on try to be strong-
but not for now,not for now.

HE WAS A GREAT FRIEND.

2008-01-21T21:19:00.000+08:00

today.

21 january,2008.

today.
i'm never gonna forget this day.

never.

the day started out relatively fine,what with lit being silly and serious conversations with my mafia boss.

life seemed so simple then.
it seemed so...untainted.

that morning feels like a year ago.
my eyes are burning from the crying.
my heart's heavy and i can't seem to find the strength to feel any sort of emotion again.

went to art,sat down and did some work.
let mrs choo nag at me for awhile while grumbling to myself inwardly.

fell asleep.

the next thing i knew,syafiqah was shaking me awake.
'do you know ricky?'

i thought she was mad.
crazy woman,wake me up just to ask me if i know ricky.of course i know ricky.
first three months,same class same clique how to bloody not know him.

then she told me.
and for awhile i thought i was dreaming.

there and then everything changed.

flashes of first three months flickered across my eyes like an old film.
sitting at the halal table.
you always eating your jap food.
you always being thick skin.
us skipping lessons together,every single lesson we missed.
how i remembered that you were such a talkative ass on the very first day of proper school/post orientation.
and how i thought you were a retainee cos of your pasir ris sec uniform being green.
i thought it was tpjc uniform.
remember kristal always saying,'ricky you ass!' when you teased her.

remember alford always hitting on you and hsing shen,and you two always fighting over who NOT to sit next to him.

i remember so many things.

remember after PAE and you switched to science stream.
and you always didn't see us waving at you.
so i resorted to shouting very loudly,'HELLO RICKY' everytime i saw you in school.
and you'll give that embarrassed look and wave back.hahaha.

you and your hilarious friendster photos.how extremely closet narcissistic you are.

you being a hunter.hahaha.

so many thoughts rush through my mind.
so many memories,ricky.so many.

i'm sorry i never met up for all those reunions we were supposed to have,
i'm sorry i never really sat down to talk to you in school after first three months.
i'm sorry i was always busy and had no time for the PAE gang,you hsing shen jansen.
i'm sorry i let petty little issues get in our way.
i'm sorry i wasn't a better friend.

i'm sorry i didn't treasure time i could have spent with you.

looking at you in the ward i try so hard not to tear but they keep coming and all i can do is bite my fist and look away.
the pain,ricky.do you feel it?
can you hear us?could you feel us there.
can you see our tears,can you feel our presence.
my heart broke so many times everytime someone cried.
fad,wyntrice,hsing shen alicia jansen.

i'm sorry i couldn't say anything just now.
there was too much i didn't know where to begin.
you looked like you were asleep,your chest rising and falling with each breath you take.

the most recent memory i have of you is from last week.
bumped into you at the corridor,waved at you and smiled.
you stupid guy,didn't see me.
wave another time,this time nearer to your face.
you startle,you smile.
show your crooked teeth.
wave back,and walk past.

thats all.

to such simple hi bye actions we have descended to.

now when i look at your msn nickname.
recover to play badminton.

i wish you would,get up.
come back to school.
wave to me again.
let me nag at you for being so anti-social,never wave at me.me and kristal will complain to each other,'that ricky ahh so antisocial always never wave at us!'

i know its not possible.
and i know what's done cannot be undone.
i know its the will of heaven,it's fated.
but that doesn't lessen the pain,that doesn't diminish the anger.

'do you believe in God?'
'yeah i do,but not right now.'

if god really did existed,he wouldn't have taken him away at such a young age.
i mean,he's just fucking 17.
ok,18 this year.
he's spent more than half his life mugging.

mugging for a future.

but god took his future away.
if god can do that to him,god can do that to anyone.

what i feel isn't just sorrow and regret.
its so much more i can't express in words,this sour heavy bitter thick feeling that fogs my senses and leaves me blank.

i have so much more to say.

i'm going to miss you ricky.
i'll never,ever forget you.
never.

i've never lost a friend this way,at least someone who i was close to at a certain point in my life.

opened my eyes to see.
what a sad twisted world we live in.how each and every one of us are so fragile,like dried leaves that can crackle at the slightest pressure.

why.why.why.

WHEN I CHATTED ONLINE WITH HSING SHEN JUST YESTERDAY,I SAID LETS HAVE A REUNION.PAE reunion.the 6 of us.

i didn't mean reunion like this,ricky.
i didn't mean reunion like this.

GENERALLY,

2008-01-20T03:47:00.000+08:00

BLOGHOPPED AND THIS REALIZATION STRUCK ME like a bat to the head.

so many of us are lonely,so many of us long for someone to love.

out of all the blogs i hopped,more than 3/4 of them were emo/depressed posts about how lonely they felt and stuff like that.

how they-

long to be loved.
to be noticed.
to be reassured of our existence in this world.

so many of us are sad,lonely people.
so many of us are so inferior.

its like putting twenty people in a room and still manage to feel alone.

its like taking the rush hour train and still feel isolated.

so many of us feel that no one understands us.
so many of us fear.
i know how that feels.

the total sensation of being the only feeling person left on earth,and everyone's just robots with heartbeats walking around.

we'r afraid to reach out,we'r afraid to find out.

we all need someone to tell us we'r beautiful.
we all need someone to notice us.
we all need to feel special.

and its sad that so many of us think that we'r not good enough,
when every single one of us are already wonderful amazing people.
this loneliness,this sense of isolation and utter despair,
this terrible vacumn that sucks every ounce of confidence and hope we have from us,
this insecurity pervades every single one of us.

taints our minds with false notions that we'r ugly,we'r small we'r useless we'r not good enough not pretty enough not nice enough not smart enough -----

tells us that we'r not so many things.

we'r a fucked up human race.
because how else can you describe a group of people who fail to see how beautiful they are in so many ways and instead see their minor flaws and magnify it to alarming extends?
how else do you describe people who try so hard to be someone they'r not.

i'm sad. ):
i wish everyone would realize that we just need to reach out and look on the brighter side of life-
because life's too short to spend time brooding over things we'r not,and we should instead embrace what we are because that's what we'r given thats what god made us to be.

and all of us are loved,in many different ways.

i'vebeentellingmyselfthisforyearsnow,butsometimesthebigblackmuddyjustcomesalongandsweepsmeaway.

GOODNIGHT.

BOOM.

2008-01-20T01:39:00.000+08:00

HELLO!

i am very happy today.
went CNY shopping,haha and get this for more than half of the trip i shopped alone.

spent about,400.
hahaha.

yay me!

yawn.grocery shopping in the night,prancing through cold storage with sister and mummy and acting like a robot.

eee eee boom.

anyways,shopping really does take the stress away.
just that now i am left with a mountain of homework.shit.

and i'm going out tomorrow.

wish me luck people.wish me luck.

NIGHTS!

i will never ever let you go,no matter how much a sad case of sorry mess you are.
i will never let you go.i swear it true.
i won't give us up so easily,you mean so much more to me.

2008-01-19T00:13:00.000+08:00

hurts so fucking bad i can hardly breathe.

IT BURNSSSS.

2008-01-18T23:28:00.000+08:00

ON THE WHOLE,TODAY SUCKED BIG TIME.
really sucked.

i guess there were redeeming moments but overall everything just sucked.

first off, lessons were blah today.
ok so GP was fun but thats not the point!

haven't got time to talk to rara and sally lately,i miss you two. ):
fad's...weird lately.dunno la.

training was FUCKING strenuous,thanks to tyre batting i've got a new friend i named beatrice.
beatrice was fucking burning my hand,everytime i wash my hands or when i bathed i tell you,
the pain seared through little beatrice was like FUCKKK.

damn the fucking blister la.
then,stupid college shirt got a loose thread that sliced my pinky.
DAMN.pain like shit can,i doubt i can write properly now.

i feel like shit now.

juniors gave trouble today.
sigh,i don't know what to say la but please remember that you cannot just think for yourself only,must be sensible.
if you cannot tahan,please tell us we don't want you to collaspe halfway or anything,really.
don't scare us please.
sigh.

dinner with the boyfriend,was ok.
went home.

byebye to my comfy lovely bed that i loved so much and wanted to marry.(it was my precious)
hello new hard zen solid siaaaan bed.

sigh.

hello achy thighs,sprained wrists blistered hands aching feet.
squinty eyes from the blazing sun.
hello training.

i've got so much i want to say so much i want to rant about but-
people read this. ):

sometimes i wish the whole world would just pack up and leave.disappear.vamoose.poof.

oh baby why are things so hard
if only they see it the way we do
if only they see what i see in you
if only they'd leave us alone
not string us up like pieces of meat for inspection,
only to get disapproving stares.
i'm so tired,
i really am..
wish we never let it out.i'm starting to regret letting the world know.

because its getting crazier and crazier by the minute,
and we'r getting caught up in it.
no matter what i'm not letting you go.
we'r gonna make this through together in one piece.

i hope.

STRESS,

2008-01-17T17:47:00.000+08:00

sigh,
loads of work to complete.

seriously ah,school is a pain in the butt la.

skipped the HMT stay back thing today,i cannot be bothered to stay bakc and do it i'll hand it in first thing tmr morning.

lit presentation on george bernard shaw tmr,oh god help me i know nothing about him laa.
of all people,she picked me to do it.DAMN.

GP homework due tmr as well,on reading the damn article.
better start working on my sova presentation,and over the weekend am going to get SLR hopefully.
expand on the idea,experiment with paint and draw.

training in school tmr,haha sure alot of physical.
orjiao prepare to go crazy la.

sigh,its ok boyfriend.
we'll prove them wrong.

BYE WORLD,

i'm a flower,soaking in the rain.
if i could wish one thing,
i'd hear you call my name.

fret not.the weekend is coming!
with tons of work.sighhh.

OURSONG.

2008-01-16T23:15:00.000+08:00

am so very very tired.

haha,ok la not actually.
i'm still quite energetic,can still laugh and run abt after training.
not bad eh?hahahha.

anyways,got to frickin rush GP compre and HMT essay now or stay back tmr at 5-6.30.
walaooooo.

haha,training was muddy today and i must say,the J1 girls are proving themselves to be quite the not bad ah!maddy's throw is AMAZING laaaa.and jacqueline's catching on very fast,they look more natural now.

hahah i'm so happy i'm in softball,i love softball! ((((:

i love noisy bus rides with fadlun and capt.atikah more though,hahaha.
laugh so hard about stupid things we say,that our cheeks will ache and we're left gasping for air while the rest of the team looks at us in bemusement.or irritation,hahaa.
atikah,we are MEN.
hahahahah.

my socks are disgustingly ruined by bad weather.
mud and shit and yucky god knows what.
sigh,pretty animal socks!!!!!

after training the ohsosweet boyfriend came to pick me up for dinner.
haha,technically speaking its not dinner.
more like dessert.

really enjoy time spent with him,esp. when we just sit and talk.amongst other things.
talk about life.
about faith,about love.
about the future.about the past.
about secrets.about people.
about us.
so we lie under those stars and with the moon behind you and the stars above,

its a picture perfect moment.
its always perfect when i'm with you.

you'll be my muse when this is over,
and we'll spend all day with each other and you will be my mona lisa.

And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration,
one good stretch before our hibernation.
Our dreams assured,
and we all will sleep well.

what if-

2008-01-16T00:53:00.000+08:00

damnit,GP is so boring.

tmr's a long day.sigh.

i don't know why i'm blogging.
because i'm distracted and angsty inside but i don't know why.

oh wells,i'll sleep it off.

goodnight.

what if i told you i never want this to end,
what would you say?
what if i told you i never fell so hard in such a short time.
what would you say?
what if i told you,
what if.

trying to escape this desire,

2008-01-15T18:52:00.001+08:00

walked to tuition in the friggin heavy pourin rain.
kicked and splashed around in the dirty rainwater with fad.
(: i love fadlun khan for never failing to make my day better by her just being-her.

my nike shoes are ruined again,as are my animal socks.

tuition was,sleepy as usual.

sigh,got loads of work to do.

i hate disappointing people.i really do.

i dislike the looks on my teacher's faces when my work is not up to standard.
and i know its my fault and that i didn't put in my best effort.
but,its just so hard sometimes...

nevermind.ten months cindy,just ten more months.
its Alevels just hang in there,everything will be over in a matter of months.
everything will be over.

after ten months,
i'm free.
you'll be free too.

i have plans to europe.plans to internship.
plans to spend my time with all my loved ones,esp. you.
i envision lazy coffee afternoons and aimless roaming and sunset watching and library visiting.movie room renting.
but it's abit too early to think of my holidays.

but now i look at uni,and i have no idea what i'm going to do.
what am i going to do?

its ok,i have time to think about it after the whole a level hoo-haa.
i have time to mull over it and truly ask myself.
its ok,everything's going to be fine.

think i'm falling sick.

BYE.

EDITED- parents had a sudden trip back to malaysia.just left only.
grandpa's sick again. ):
sigh.

all i can think of.

2008-01-14T22:18:00.000+08:00

I DIE.

tomorrow got sova,got to present hopper and courbet paintings and explain my views on them,etc.

AND I HAVEN'T DO A SINGLE SHIT.
die.

tomorrow got lit,poem no.2 must annotate.
I ALSO NEVER DO.

DIE.

die.
die.
die.

heavily broken

2008-01-14T16:36:00.001+08:00

i'm torn and broken up inside,
bleeding but there's nothing i can do,nothing i can do that will erase this.

there's so much i want to tell you but so much i have to hide.
i don't want to live a lie,

but i don't want to lose everything i have.

it is raining now.
thunder cracks the skies open,
teardrops fall onto my forehead and slowly roll down my cheeks.
i am not crying.

if only the rain could erase the sins i've commited,
if only the rain could wash away the shame i live clouded in,
the secrets that consume and eat at my soul everyday.
wash away the past,
the past i hide beneath everything the one that no one knows or speaks of-

the past i run away from,
yet doggedly pursue from behind.
and no matter how much i run and how hard i try.

nothing changes.
everything is still the same.

if the rain could wash away,everything that i've done everything that i've gone through everything that has left a scar on me,a wound that doesn't close throughout these years and haunts my dreams and becomes my shadow.

a part of me i detest.i long to severe.

if the rain could wash away my sins,secrets,past and leave me a clean slate.
i'd stand under it forever,
let it soak through my skin and cleanse my battered spirit.
baby i'm so sorry i'm not better,i'm so sorry i don't deserve this but the truth is you never knew me the way you thought you did..i don't want to lie to you anymore but i don't want to lose you at all.i'm so afraid,so afraid what changes these secrets will bring.

they say raindrops are the tears of heaven.
i let heaven cry for me.

2008-01-13T23:46:00.000+08:00

we all have secrets.

so do i.

but like a flower which slowly blooms,
my petals will unfurl and one day you will reach the very bud and essence of me.

when that day comes,i hope you won't leave.

SCHOOOOOOOOOOOL.

2008-01-13T21:24:00.000+08:00

nothing much to post about today-except that i'm going to DIE tomorrow because teachers are going to throw stones at me after finding out that i have yet to do 95% of my homework.

SIGHHHHH.
so much for study dates in the airport dear.look what it has gotten us into. ):

when even fad(no offense babe) has done more work than me,

you know i'm in deepdeep shit.

sigh,going to do okri essay plan now,HMT proves to be too ARGHHH-bangs-head-against-wall.

BYE.

WE ALL LOOK LIKE WE FEEL.

2008-01-12T23:38:00.000+08:00

of kisses gentle and hands held fast,
and wind swept hair and sun kissed elbows.
silent tears and quiet sighs.
penetrating stares and wordless whispers,
head to head and hand to cheek.

a picture speaks a thousand words.

do you have idea,how much i love you.

'if only everyday could be like this.'
'in 2 years time,we'll go to balikpapan!(thats the place i wanted to tell you)'

and i'd give up forever to touch you.

i'm not going anywhere for two years.
or three.or four.
i'm staying,period.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that ill
Ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
cause sooner or later its over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd
Understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.

have a little faith in me.

2008-01-12T10:50:00.000+08:00

i meant it when i said the very first time, i'm not going to leave you.

i meant it when i said for the subsequent times, i'm not going to leave you.

i still mean it today,tomorrow,everyday that's to come.

i'm not going to leave you.

so please, trust me on this.
because a relationship cannot work,without the very basic emotion and commitment- trust.

like how a bird cannot take flight,without its wings.

SCHOOOOOOOOOOOL.

2008-01-11T23:07:00.000+08:00

CINDY IS VERYVERY TIREDZZ TODAYZ.

hahaha,BUT i ate like a pig too today.

chicken rice,chocolate muffin,mentos orange,loads of waterrrr,chicken curry puff,then later at tm about 1/3 of curry chicken katsu don and then when i reached home i ate rice again.

HAHAHA SPELL GLUTTON for me.oh wait,its spelled there already,hahahaha.
like sally darling pok said today,gluttony is a sin.SIN.
i'm a sinner!OH YEAH.

but i did loads of exercise!hahaha.
4 rounds,at least 50 push ups today,'rowing',fielding,batting,throwing,HAPPY HOUR which = sprints and like,50 full and half squats!GOD.
hahaa.

dinner at tm was lovely,what with strolling around TM and century sqr talking about the day and bumping into numerous people you know.and holding hands and telling ms norzian that if you don't buck up she SHOULD retain you.(i'm so gonna get killed for this.)
and stationery shopping(entire A06 now exhales in relief,the shameless finally got his own stationery and will now leave everybody's one alone!better thank me.)and complaining about your fats.

i did not enjoy your abuse though.HMPH!

HAHAHA.i love you silly.

airport tmr,much loves.and most prolly airport on sunday too,with my lovely ofcindy.
we will walk around the airport making alien faces.and attempt to study,we must not forget that!

ok shall go plot mindmap for HMT now and go grocery shopping later at midnight with family,

XOXO
EDITION: how dare you call me noisy girl and complain that i was complaining and throwing bitch fit!andandand i did not(ok i did BUT you deserved it AND in the end also not you do!) ask you to clean toilet.i merely,VOTED.hahahahhaha.
and who's the one casting spells and potions?what with drawing circles and chanting THINGS.
hahahahhahahahah! ;p

YOU GET IT TMR.hmphhhhhhhhhhhhhh get it!

PMS ALERT--

2008-01-10T18:02:00.000+08:00

EH,REALLY DAMN LOSER LEH-

ALL MY POSTS ARE ALL REALLY ABOUT SCHOOL,DAMN LOSER.

ohmygod,i want my old life back where i can just slack and do nothing and go out after lessons for dinner or chachak hanging out.

i want my old life back,where there is more meaning and motivation to live.

I WANT TO BE A BOY.

2008-01-10T17:04:00.000+08:00

cindy is very tired,
but has like er, a shitload of work to do.

have just checked tpjc messages.econs mindmap can hand in on monday,phew thank god.
and though i haven't met my econs teacher the ms peh but she seems damn scary.
shit.

sigh,can't believe the amount of stess all the J2s are going through now.
okay,at least A06 and my friend claradaniel.

everyone's rushing assignments and independant studies and tsd proposals and KI godknowswhat.

everyone but the boyfriend,tsktsk.
you better study and buck up OR ELSE.

anyways,art is getting better and better.
i am very happy,mr daniel and mrs choo are like the bestest bestest art teachers everrrrr.

just that now i gotta figure out how to reconvince mummy to get me an slr.
cos,i really need one ah!

but mr dan really opened up my artistic mind today.opened it up further.
yay art,yay mr dk,yay me and yay tpjc!

anyways,have to do HMT ESSAY and gp time worksheet and OH FUCK how can i do pe tmr when my cramps are killing me now!
AND I HAVE TRAINING TMR.

AHHHHH.and, my left shoulder aches likes a steamroller went over it.
i need a massage.

OH GOD CRAMPS ARE KILLING ME.

anyway,i'm joining SYPA.haha,am just joining for fun.
know a couple of other people joining too,haha!
abstract,children at play,night scene,nature.focus on these.

OHKAY AM GOING TO REST.cos i'm fucking hurting and the useless boyfriend has deserted me!hmph.you silly thing better study hard or i'll pinch you.loveyousillyla.surely is the love potion make me hurt so bad.side effects,hmphhhhhhhh.
i will go BOOM.

is be

2008-01-10T00:47:00.000+08:00

before i officially start this post, i'd like to thank my good friend clara lock for imparting to me the 'is be' lingo.

without her guidance,this post would never have materialized.

i is be officially hooked to is be now.

i is be very happy girl despite is being crushed by school.
i is being very sleepy because i is be tired.

i is being very silly but it is be lovely.

i is be loving you more and more each day,despite wanting to strangle you half the time i'm with you.
i is be content and blissful that i is be together with you.

i is be love you.
although you is be sillyboy.

i is be going to sleep,

i is be saying BYEBYE.

the usual mandatory post.

2008-01-09T19:41:00.000+08:00

i'm so tired.

am as usual despite the effort to try and keep up,i am behind time again.

things i have to do:

HMT essay.
SOVA presentation.
GP presentation.
finish math tutorial.
revise economics.
BNW logbook.
poetry comparision,write two paragraphs.
loadsloadsloads X 1098932763857296.

sigh.feel the stress much?and,its only been ONE week of school.

on a lighter note,training was fun today.sort of la.

everyone has tattoos.i want also!am dying to get one.or two.or four.FOUR!hahahhahaha.

sighsigh,but if i regret it next time howwww.

anyways.AM ACHING AND DAMN TIRED LIKE PHWEET SO BYE.

SCHOOOOOOOOOOOL.

2008-01-08T19:50:00.000+08:00

today was stupid.
stupid stupid.

i hate spe,fucking sucks balls.
volleyball?sorry,not my cup of tea at all.
maybe cos its different from softball,and i love softball.

lit was DISASTROUS.
i am convinced she knows something,definitely.how scary,i was shaking inside whenever she turned to us.
thought i was going to kneel over and die of embarrassment there and then.

econs was.hahaha wtf??????is she talking about.really.wtf.
sigh,diediedieeeee.

slept through sova unfortunately,couldn't keep my eyes open it was so boring.
i was so tired.
sova test was.haha! not easy but it was open book.
with some luck and sympathy from mr dk i'll pass i gather.
anyway,now that sova test is over(the horror) a new sova assignment's appeared on the brink of the horizon.

ok la,not brink.more like,STUDENT PRESENTATION ON NEXT TUESDAY!!!!!

haiya damnnnnnnnn.

and got to show a very pissed mrs choo my coursework developments so far.
i did take photos,honest!loads of them in fact.
they'r now by what?hundreds i think.
but i don't really like them,not satisfied.

and! math tuition today was great.hahaha FOR ONCE.
i think i'm beginning to like her la.hhahaha.
i can say shit now.hahaha!
private joke private joke,right fad!

anyways,i love fadlun khan even though she show me black face today.and yesterday.
every moment spent with you is filled with humour and silly stupid laughs and you brighten up my tpjc days bitch. (: not forgetting my clara and sallypok whom i never see much of today!
sova test took up all my breaks,sighhh.

softball tmr,if i can train i will.
if not i sit there glumly and watch teamTPJC play,sighsigh.
i think i am damn stupid,always pulling muscles and getting bruises and whatnots everywhere.
sigh,really hurts now la.and its spreading,i don't know why!
and swollen.

ok i should quit whining ah,very irritating.
coffee tmr with the president,we'r going to discuss politics and world issues such as bombing america and getting rid of osama. (:
his treat.

ANDANDAND I AM SO PATHETIC that all my recent posts are on school.my life revolves around school.walao,damn loser la.sighhh.
is too much of a good thing a bad thing?
and,i don't know if its a good thing either.but,i can't help it. ):
you're just so dang on my mind all the time.

BYE

PMS ALERT--

2008-01-07T21:07:00.001+08:00

WHINES.

I HATE SCHOOL.

sobsobsob.
gives piteous look.shuffles away miserably to read sova notes again and plan lit essay.

volatile like shit now la,urghhhhhhhhhh.hate it hate it hate it.

oh shit oh shit!

2008-01-06T22:15:00.000+08:00

today was lovely.
thank you,and i'm ready for the week ahead.

lit essays,sova tests,econs lessons and mindmaps to prepare,sova to research and gp project to do.

'concerned tutor's and students and friends to face.

i'm ready,with your love in tow i'm ready.

shit la.i'm still tingling all over.

ravage my soul,
set my heart afire.
i'm all yours,
for keeps.

the mere touch,
makes my knees struggle to hold myself up.
breathing becomes shallow,
and blood rushes to the head.

ohwells.
de stijil proves to be very interesting,i love.
surrealism is long and boring what with politics and post breton periods.
maybe,cos i don't have the patience to keep reading la.
hahahaha,tmr 6 periods shall mug in t library.

BYE WORLD,LOVELOVE.

another sun soaked season fades away,

2008-01-05T19:10:00.000+08:00

my social life has gone down the drain.
disappeared.zilch.nada.gone.

evaporated into thin air,whisked away by time as the holidays came to an end.

i swear,they are out to kill me.
because having to spend my weekend on homework is NOT fun.
art solo presentation,GP presentation,lit essay,art coursework,SOVA to be studied for the test on monday.

THANK GOD i was the least bit disciplined during the holidays and had the decency to do my GP essay.

school ends so late im f-ing tired by the time i get home.
on the days i end early,i have training.
the days i end late or normal,i have tuition and whatnot.

kill meee now.

and,its only been one week.

sighhh.

anyways,cut my hair today.as usual,its a disaster.
i always always don't know when to stop.STUPID STUPID ME,
and bought fresh supply of contacts lens again.
yay!

oh wells.library tmr with the shameless.
of all the things in my life,
its kinda sad to say that after family,he's the next most stable thing now.

maybe i should stop trying to pick up the pieces and just move on like the rest of you,
and ignore that little pang in my heart everytime i see you in school.

sigh.nvm,got sova to study and research now and a lit essay to do and math assignment to revise.
no time to emo,so BYE.

so i cry to myself quietly.what a stupid fool i am.

2008-01-04T20:37:00.000+08:00

that hurt.alot.
if you cannot forget her,and you cannot seem to let go
i don't want to be a substitute.

i don't want to be someone for you to forget her.
if you cannot forget her then don't do this to me.
if you'r still hurt from the past then don't lie to me now
and end up hurting me.

that really hurt,alot.
i don't want to be a substitute,a distraction from her.

somehow i knew it all along,but i chose to ignore it blindly.
but that was like getting hit by a bus.
it knocked the breath out of me.

it really hurts.
i open my heart again and less than 5 days i get stabbed in it.
thanks.

if you cannot let her go,
then don't and let me let you go.
maybe it'll be better for you,better for me.
because you really hurt me,you really really did.

you're the one who told me that in a relationship you must give 100%.
what happened?

says it all.

2008-01-03T23:51:00.000+08:00

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down on your face
And I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

-coldplay,fix you.

just about one of my favourite songs ever.

SCHOOOOOOOOOOOL.

2008-01-03T20:54:00.000+08:00

I AM ACHNG SO BAD.
):

and i have training tmr.
nuff said.

anyway,school is mad la.i have sooo many periods i finish so late evryday and teachers steal my breaks for extra classes and whatnot.

and on the days i finish early,i have training.

BITCH SEH.

that aside,have to go do up stuff promoting softball for tmr's cca exhibition.
sighsighsigh/ so last minute.
and how am i going to drag people. -.-

sigh.
each day i go to school and put up a performance of how i don't care for you.
BYE.

reflections,

2008-01-02T21:06:00.001+08:00

forgot to say this just now.

when i was walking home from the bus stop,
i passed by the benches by the passageway,
and on one of the benches sat an old man.

he was holding a transparent plastic umbrella,
and was dressed simply in brown pants and a white shirt.
his glassy eyes fixed onto the air infront of him.
staring into blank space.
into nothingness.

his knees were pulled up to his chest,and his feet rested on the edge of the bench.
i marvelled at how one can make himself shrink into such a tiny ball.
the scattering of liver spots,
the criss cross wrinkles that map his face.
those thin cracked lips that part to reveal long yellowing teeth.
they look like tombstones to me.
those milky irises,shiny and glazed.
have they seen alot of tragedy in his life?
what untold stories does he hold.

he looks so alone,
sitting on the bench alone,
on a dimly lit street,
with nothing but a small umbrella to shield him from the drizzle.
his light feathery hair reminded me of wire wool.

i long so bad to have the guts to sit down next to him,
to give him something warm to drink and ask him why he is out on a cold night alone.
sitting on a bench,
huddled under the tiny umbrella.
i long to hear his stories,
to hear all that he has gone through,
good and bad.
i long to take away some of the pain he has felt,or is feeling.
to help him shoulder abit of his burden,if he has any.
i long so bad to reach out to him.

everytime i see an elderly sitting alone,looking forlorn and lost.
i want so bad to have the guts to go up and offer some help,some companionship.
anything.

but i disappoint myself.
i always advert my gaze,dropped my stare from his penetrating one,and briskly walk forward.

i wish i am a better person so that i won't hate myself at times.
i wish it so much.
i break my own heart,all the time.

NEW BEGINNINGS.

2008-01-02T20:10:00.000+08:00

make it short and sweet cos i am soo tired to the max FUU-YOH.

(i don't know why,i keep saying fuyoh lately.hahaha)

anyway,was awesome meeting up with the class again and talking shit(mostly done by me and faddy dearest) with OUR new math teacher(terrible,terrible) mrs quek.

hahahaha.

for introducing ourselves,
i decided to go with

'hello,i'm cindy.i hate maths.and its pretty apparent math hates me too.i always get U for math,and i don't turn up for lectures,never do my tutorials and am a totally lousy student.'

HAHHAHAHA.ok la,i cannot be cheeky to my teachers anymore.must be serious,A level year!
but though i hate maths,i'm still going to work hard for it and set consultations.
she better be good at consultations la,or i will KICK her.

econs was funny,HAHAHA marylim!ok la,her slides seem quite welldone,i give her credit for that.
BUT IT WAS SO BORING I THOUGHT GOING BACK TO MATH WOULD BE MORE FUN.

sighsigh,then had lit where HAHA stupid BNW test!
nvm,i passed!
people around me also passed(i think) cos they copied my answers from which i got because i read the book alr.(and i had a cliffnotes on bnw book in my bag.)HHAHHA.

CME was funny,what with Ms norzian throwing dagger stares and marker pens and the very terrible choong chin ho.hahahhaa.

WAHLAO TRAINING WAS KILLER TODAY.
total madness i tell you,coach is inhumane.
my entire body is aching and bruised and battered.
i can't laugh now because the left side of my rib cage hurts.
my left collarbone hurts.
my thighs ache like i just gave birth to 10000 babies.
my right wrist is fuyoh damn painful(i think because i hold the bat too tight and am quite jerky in movements.)
accidentally splashed muddy water onto my legs like the complete fool i am and ended up with the entire team laughing at me.
stupid coach stole my phone and threatened to read the msgs that were buzzing buzzing in his pants.
fad led the jumping jacks for the stretching part at the end of training.was funny like fuck.
stupid jason made me laugh nonstop throughout stretching because of his fucking hilarious sexual innuendos.
everybody was great.
but ouch alicia got hit in the head by a stray ball.
as in,it was flying and soaring throught the air and chose her head to land on.i think it landed on the temple.
i feel her pain,poor girl.ouch.i really hope you'r feeling better,i'm really sorry i can't do more than what i could.
EH!halfway through training i squinted and spotted two figures in the luminous green uniforms of tpjc.turned out to be fabian and DARYL.(i remember your name)
wonder what they were doing there,so free to come find or jiao ah.

OK i am finally home,and survived the day despite not getting any sleep for more than..27 hours?around there.I AM DAMN SURVIVOR LA i survived first day of school.
hahaha.

THE END.

i don't care what people say anymore,
because i don't want to have to act like i don't know you the way i do
and hide something that i have no reason to be ashamed of.
i really don't care anymore.
i just know,
you're the only one for me and i'll settle for nothing less.
nothing.
cos love doesn't come around on any old day and stare at you in the face across the table.

SCHOOOOOOOOOOOL.

2008-01-01T16:59:00.000+08:00

OHMYGOD i have so much to study for SOVA but the thing is:

i just cannot be bothered!
SHIT LA hurry up and study cindy!

shitshitshit.

THAT CRAZY THING YOU DO,

2008-01-01T14:21:00.001+08:00

yesterday was crazy fun.

went out like,way early in t morning for tuition then last minute back to school shopping.
finally bought my new bag and shoes.phew.

fad almost went mad waiting for me to choose la.

'brown and white,or black and gold?'
i bet that line haunts her in her sleep now.haha!

then we got stuck in the staircase of marina sq,damn ulu i tell you.
fad and i were freaking out like nobody's business.

anyways,i am very broke now.SIGHSIGH.
):

then,HAHA me and fad were like two wandering idiots because the bitch said she needed to go to some mosque to pray(so pious la!wow.) that was at beach road near bugis,
and so i was like,ok lets walk from marina sq to bugis.

my intention was to walk through suntec to get to bugis.
THE DAMN GIRL DRAGGED ME ALL THE WAY TO MARINA MANDARIN AND WAS TRYING TO HAIL A CAB THERE,when there is a cab stand just 5m up.

STUPID I TELL YOU,STUPID.
hahah.

the cab driver was even funnier than the HK one(private joke).

'you want to go where?'
'bugis,bugis.'
'oh,sorry i'm going to the east ah,byebye to you.'

HAHA i know it doesn't seem very funny here but say it with an indian accent and shake your head.
HAHAH.

fad was so pissed she wanted to kill the cab driver.he was cheeky la.

yawn.finally fad left with MIRZA and i set off for parkway!
bothered mummy for awhile,then went off for countdown.

countdown was nothing without the company i had that night. (:
i wouldn't have spent it anywhere else but with you.
despite the nosy cockroaches and noisy people,
the night was perfect,just spending it with you.
i think,just maybe.
you complete me.
<3
SHIT LA,SCHOOL IS STARTING SOON.die.
oh wells.got to go cram sova notes into my head.
BYE!

NEW BEGINNINGS.

2008-01-01T02:53:00.000+08:00

first off,HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone! (:

ok,now for my day.
WAS good. (: exept for one small part.but,sigh.its ok.

nevermind,am very tired now will talk tmr. (:
missed the fireworks,but its okay.
we had some of our own right there anyway.
i couldn't have ended the year better,with you by my side.
<3

reflections,

2007-12-30T17:31:00.000+08:00

shit la,school is starting soon.
nvm,i've handed in one holiday homework already.haha,ONE!

i'm hopeless.hopeless hopeless.

nevertheless,i still have sova to mug!
%&*(&^%$*&(*& ALOT TO READ!
ohmygod.i'll never finish it.

anyways,tomorrow is the last day of 2007!

honestly,i think i quite like 2007.
i met new friends,friends worth keeping.
i had alot of fun,my days were filled with laughter and silly antics.
i learnt what it was like to really lose someone you loved.
i learnt how to stand up and walk away.
i gain new insights on life.
i gained many new experiences.
i made many unforgettable friends.

2007,was a year for friends and a year for laughter.
sure alot has happened,and somethings have changed,
but the memories are golden.

and i'm keeping them for life.

meanwhile,lets welcome in 2008!
yay A level year.yaaaaaaay.
):

retarded,

2007-12-29T02:49:00.000+08:00

ALL OF A SUDDEN,

I'M SO EXCITED FOR SCHOOL I CAN'T SLEEP AND I FEEL LIKE BOUNCING UP AND DOWN!

yay!

shit.i haven't done holiday homework.shit.

NOOOO!

i wish-

2007-12-29T01:20:00.000+08:00

today was nice,thank you. (:

i am officially sick of chocolates for at least the next coming month or so.

and,wonderful news awaits me the moment i log on to tpjc.net.

This is a reminder to all to revise for the below-mentioned test.
The test will take place at 1pm on the first day of school (02/01)Venue to be confirmed.Those who cannot do the test at the allocated time will sit for it on the following monday afternoon.ALL students, regardless of OG leaders, etc, MUST personally give Mrs Choo and me a copy of your timetable on 02/01.

rgds, dk

GREAT.
and i have tons to read up.
sighhh.
sleepless nights,oh how i anticipate.

am very ashamed to confess this but i must:
have not been very in touch with my inner self,
that is have not been doing any soul-searching or been concious of changes around me etc.
in other words i have been shallow and superficial lately.
BADBAD CINDY.

sigh.oh well.
i've been tired lately,tired of whats happening and tired to think about it.
sometimes i just feel so sick of everything i want to stand up and leave.
but what escapes my mind is,
i already have.

i wish i am a better person,
i wish i am smarter,
i wish i'm kinder,
i wish i am more motivated,
to study and be focussed.

but sometimes its just so hard,
so hard to be a better person than i am.

i strive for self-improvement,
but i often fall short of my expectations.
i try so hard to be more understanding,
to be more empathetic and to hold less grudges.

i try,but many a times i disappoint myself.

but i'll keep trying.

one lazy morning.

2007-12-28T11:44:00.000+08:00

am awake bright and early.
haha,how often is that!

ok la,so its 11.45.

DAMN EARLY for cindyyong can!hahaha.
anyway,am heading down to PP for a haircut(finally),and then to alice's to dye it.

i think i shall be bold and dye it a brighter shade of brown.
haha,miss norzian will throw a hissyfit.
no la actually i think she won't care.

anyway,why am i taking to you?
you'r a blog.
blogs don't talk back to me.

oh wells.
i'm a little sleepy again.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

bored.

2007-12-27T21:29:00.000+08:00

i am bored.
sigh,its been such a year.

was clearing out my friendster photos.
and,i realize how much i've gone through this year.
all the friends and all the fights,
all the DRAMA.

my god.my life is one big channel 8 drama.
i think if i write an autobiography on my life so far,
mediacorp will buy it without a moment's hesitation.

sigh.and thats,not a good thing.

am watching the news now,and wow there's gonna be a wushu academy in chungcheng high school main next year.
cool.

singapore's government really takes good care of us.
too good.
how do they expect us to develop backbones to support ourselves and develop decision making skills,i have no idea.

WOW.each P2 student gets a tablet PC.

see what i mean?

stare into the hazy horizon and squint to make out a figure.

2007-12-27T17:23:00.001+08:00

am such an idiot.

instead of reading my own literature books,
i go and read my sec1 sister's lit book.

what an idiot i am.
really.

haha,but it's such an easy read.
sighhh.

anyway,Poe is driving me crazy i swear with all his cheem metaphors and intrinsic language.
he is so deep.

ok la,actually i don't have to read Poe now i think.
just BNW and othello.which is just as difficult.

sighh.
tomorrow's friday.think i'll head out.

am so bored at home now.
shall read cliffnotes to BNW.
OH!forget,i have SOVA to research.oh wells.

bye!

OH .shall go cut and dye my hair tmr,since i have nothing better to do.
then go out.

izui alyiskyrmce os

2007-12-27T00:37:00.001+08:00

just watched 881.with the family on dvd(haha yes i know i am damn obiang and behind times) .
but i never really thought it was worth watching.

i mean,its another singapore film.
how good can it be?

haha,as usual i am proven wrong.
stupid movie make me cry again.

but its not the admirable love between the papaya sisters,
or the death of the smaller papaya.
or the many scenes that have so much sadness injected into them.

its the scene where qi yuwu's character sells his chicken for a mere $50 to raise money for the small papaya's chemotherapy.
the way he lets go of something so precious to him,
to give up his only prized possession to help someone else.

the way they portray his relunctance to let go,
and when he painfully departs.
and then runs back to cuddle and groom the chicken just one last time.
and then says his last goodbye and heavily walks away.
i swear,that scene had me crying.

& so now i'm a fan of qi yuwu like how fad's a fan to elvin ng.hahahha!

they ought to ban it,too painful to watch.
now the keyboard is blur and i cannot make out what im typing.pfft.
stupid show.

oh well.at least it opened my eyes to the infamous getai.

anyway!on a lighter(but not happier)note, fad pangseh me tomorrow.
so,we will go buy stuff on monday.
the 30th.
yah,fad damn know how to pick dates.
nvm,i'm only meeting her for the afternoon.and morning for tuition.

SIGH.think i'll take tmr to clear up the mess on my table that's screaming for attention at the top of its lungs.

bye!

all i can think of.

2007-12-26T20:55:00.000+08:00

stoned at home the whole day.

HAHA am in front of the teevee now,and saw this hilarious commercial about some bangla CD.
they did some remix of umbrella,FUCKING HILARIOUS.

hahhahaa i screamed my head off in laughter.

anyways,prolly am out shopping tmr with fad.finally,haha.
i miss the bitch la,damnit.haha.

sigh.
cannot bear with the thought of school reopening soon.
pfft.
i don't want!

once school reopens,
it's welcome to hell baby.
DAMN.

HATE WHO I HAVE BECOME,lost and delusional.

2007-12-26T03:54:00.000+08:00

OHMYFUCK I AM TERRIBLE LA.

I CANNOT SLEEP!!!!!!

URGH.am so frustrated by my insomnia that i want to clobber myself over the head repeatedly with my softball bat until i faint.
but not a good idea,i don't want to go retarded.

urgh.i cannot sleep.
my eyes refuse to close.

maybe its because i read abit of Poe before bed,and now i keep thinking of his prose!
why is it so frickin cheem la!sigh.
how the hell does tpjc expect me to even pass my A levels.
i think i'm gonna die la.

sighsighsigh.and i've been typical me for this holidays.
waste my time completely.
only recruited one math tutor with the heaviest indian accent EVER.i swear.
its like she's speaking in a foreign language and i have to pay double attention just to decipher what she's saying.
but she's good la i won't deny.

econs OHMYGOD die la.
i cannot find a tutor.i am dead.
deader than a dead rat.
dead.POOF.vamoose.

and the worst thing is.
i never revise my J1 work at all.
never touch my SOVA revision as assigned br Mr Dan yet(though i have borrowed the books),
never learn math,
didn't do GP essay,
art coursework is again going nowhere(this time its a lack of talent on my side)
and the list goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

IM NOT KIDDING.i die.
i shudder to think what will happen if they pull me back next year suddenly.
even worse if i fail my As.
i will die la!i will cease to exist and instead vanish into a dot.
a mere blimp in the face of man.

i am dooomed.
fuck.another thing is,
i know im dying but i aint got no motivation to push myself.
i think i deserve 100000 slaps.
how?but very painful.(ok that was blonde).

i wish i had my 5N strive in me,the drive and spirit to mug like mad.
to study everyday and be so focussed and driven and determined.
sigh.where has all that gone?

i've lost my dreams my hopes my aspirations for myself.

what have i become?
i don't think i know myself anymore.
when i look into the mirror i don't recognize the face staring back at me.

the ultimate dream to make it to NTU comm.studies has vanished.
i don't want to be a news anchor anymore.
i don't really want to write anymore.
i don't know what i want to do anymore.

and that,to me is the saddest part of all.
from the top of secondary school.
i am now in the pits of JC.
i've totally changed into a different person.
i don't really know who i am anymore.
sure i have the same face,same voice and everything.
but,i'm not very much me anymore. ):

i've stopped trying to excel.
and started trying to survive,to merely just hang on.

this is not the way,i tell myself.
but something in me refuses to listen.
refuses to budge.

when i look at my books and my messy table and the shitload of overdue things i have neglected,
i feel so tired.
i don't want to face them.
i just want to pretend they'r not there.
run away,
pretend they don't exist.or they'r not mine.

i think i have positively gone deranged.i am mad.
someone should just throw me into an asylum now.

i wish life was easier.i don't ever feel like laughing again.

christmas morning,

2007-12-25T14:09:00.000+08:00

hello!

decided to save myself some dignity and skipped the gallivant-around-town thingy with clara and crew(so very sorry clara)

because its been a long time since i stayed home and had a quiet day.
stay home and appreciate christmas and its magic.

come to think of it,
i'm really not cut out to be a party animal kinda person.
or the kind that goes out almost everyday.and enjoy the hustle and bustle of the crowds.
ooh,i hate crowds.

but i love staying home on a quiet day and watch the world go by with its business.
i think it's good to be abit left behind sometimes,
gives me time to appreciate the quiet part of life.
to bask in the warmth of today and the meaning it holds,
to feel this lovely glow.and smile to myself.
(:
weather is mighty good,not too warm and yet it isn't raining.
i love today,its just so placid and peaceful and quiet.
gives me space to think.

to those out there enjoying the festive season,have fun.
i'm going to lie on my bed and look out the window while nibbling on leftover christmas cake.
oh i wish it'll snow.

haha,merry christmas everyone.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL.

2007-12-25T02:37:00.000+08:00

hello,merry christmas!

went to work today and almost slapped several terrible customers(by coincidence they were indian) but refrained myself because the thought kept occuring to me:'what if they'r related to fad?'
HAHAHHAHAHA.

anyways,mad cap rush around PP for last minute presents and all,hahah was very funny but i had great fun.got my guess wallet too.
it is lovely wonderful!THANK YOU MUMMY manymany kisses.
i will cont. to work my ass off on impt days of the year,I.E CNY,XMAS,myveryownBIRTHDAY,crazy sales,and blahblah all for you. (:

anyway,while friends are going off to countdowns and parties and clubs and whatnot,
i went to the family gathering.(so guai of me!)

i think mummy is pleased that i didn't bail on her to go out with my 'rowdy' friends and be a terrible youth to society tonight.

recieved yet another dress and HAHAH get this a deathnote notebook and quill from fabulous!
the guy came looking for me with captain softball and DARYL.(i am very sorry daryl i will never ever forget your name again i swear it and cross my heart and hope to die.)
HAHAHAH.
so DARYL left for something and the two goons came looking for me at the shop.
and we chitchat like bunch of aunties in the market(according to my mother)for like,two hours??
i can't remember.but sure felt like two hours la.

HAHAHHA.was very good,they are very nice boys. (:thank you for the fabulous gift,fabby!HAHAH.

anyways,HAHAH here is the very interesting part.
i am going GALLIVANTING with clara and her crew at the esplanade tomorrow.
DRESSED AS A CHRISTMAS TREE.
haha,yes the utter insanity and embarrassment of it all.
but aiya who cares,it is fun and ohmygod so funny.
and we should all do it when we still can.
i am going to take manymany photos of it tmr,haha please don't go down to catch me in person i will DIE of embarrassment.
hhaha talk about social suicide.
postponed shoppingouting with fad to thursday(so veryvery sorry fad) but fad was very very gracious about it.
oh i love you my bitch.you are so nice.mua,mua! (:

anyway,at the end of the party/family gathering,
when i was getting into the car i stopped briefly to look up into the cloudless night sky,
and wished you a merry christmas.
izui alyiskmcre os.
also to check if santa was riding by his sleigh,haha.
yes i do believe in santa.so?
the reason why i never get gifts from him is because the gifts he give me are not put into boxes and wrapped nicely with pretty wrapping paper.
they are lovely things that cannot appear in material form and are not superficial items but are lessons of life,love,people,virtues and manymany more.
and this christmas,he gave me you. (:

SO thank you santa,for one of the best presents i have ever recieved.

(:

merry christmas all(even people i supposedly dislike because today is a day of giving and graciousness),and goodnight.

addition.

2007-12-24T03:50:00.000+08:00

OH!AND HOW COULD I FORGET-SO DENERNER OF ME.

XIAOLONGBAOS WERE AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME.but crystal jade's one is still the best.

after the meal -

clara: i never want to see another xiaolongbao again.
me:*can't remember what i said.*
clara:but i suppose in two weeks time when we'r in school we will go 'ohmygod canteen food sucks so bad i want xiaolongbaossssss.'

HAHAHAHHA.much agreed.

izui alyiskyrmce os

2007-12-22T23:07:00.000+08:00

Cause what goes around, comes around.
What goes up, must come down.
Now who's cryin, desirin to come back to me
What goes around, comes around.
What goes up, must come down.
It's called Karma baby.
And it goes around.

apparently,i'm spending christmas eve at my cousin's.
so tmr,i will be going on another one of my many bouts of frantic last minute yuletide presents shopping trip.
since am meeting rara at city hall bright and early at 11 tmr(eleven!the horror.)
i will sleep early tonight.
anyway,am rather shagged.

i hate stupid auntie customers who try and try and linger around in the shop for close to an hour.
and walk out with a measly pair of 19.90 shoes,after much unsuccessful haggling.
I WANT TO SLAP THEM OK.

so people,if your mums are like that,
please la.
but usually,this happens only on weekends.

shall dinner bath TLC and wrap some presents before bedtime.

goodbye world,goodnight you.

YOU GOT ME TRIPPIN,

2007-12-22T15:43:00.000+08:00

am going down to PP to work now,
partly so that i won't be such a lazy ass and loll around in bed all day,
and partly because i feel veryvery guilty for spending my mum's dough like water
and partly so i can take my mind of you.

you,who's face appears in my dreams and fades away,
who's mild presence i can feel around me when i'm all alone.
who's the one thats going to start being on mymind for 24/7 soon.

SO I AM GOING TO WORK,to take my mind off 'things'.
actually studying would be a better idea but the guilt overwhelms me and i prolly will just bugger off after awhile and go back to my veryvery tempting bed.

BYEBYE people!

youhavenoideahowbadimissyou,youstupidstupidboy.betyou'veforgottenme.

GOOD DAY OUT,

2007-12-21T23:31:00.000+08:00

SHOPPING TODAY WAS AWESOME.

first stop:SK II and i blew close to 200 bucks there.
all because fad ws telling me how she's so hooked to SK II and begged me to check the prices for her,so i did and wow.
the sales consultant i approached was AMAZINGLY pretty.
her face is,FLAWLESS.like,white and smooth and FLAWLESS.
not a freckle not a blemish,no pimple(the horror!) nothing.
smooth smooth porcelain.

i GAWKED ok,one of the rare times i GAWK at girls.
my jaw dropped la.
if i were a guy,i'd drop to my knees onthespot can.

so HAHAHAHAH.
i bought(or rather mummy bought for me) a set.
awesome,and she even help me analyse my skin with the haha microscopic thingy and she says i'm not too bad.yay! (:
it's just that i go into the sun alot,she says.
so i must put sunblock like crazy.

ok,next stop,LINGERIE!
i have a knack of picking the best(prettiest) bras.
haha,its awesome.
wish i could take photos and post them up to share their beauty but somethings are better left hidden eh,hahahahha.

awesome,i lovelovelove.
then...bought,stationery,haha boring but veryvery essential ok. (:
makes me feel more prepped up to mug.

anyways,am left with school bag/shoe and a new wallet.
should i get the guess one,am still wondering.
i think i might.

anyways,training tmr and i am SHAGGED for now.
sigh.

hahhaha,was at PP with jerald yesterday night for dinner,
and we were walking to the taxi stand when out of the blue

jerald: eh,why they name their shop WANKo huh?
cindy: huh???
jerald: hahah,sounds so wrong.WANKo.

hahahhaha.i never realized until he pointed it out,haha.

anyway,woke up darn early today,at 8 to go down to bedok view with sister for registration.
she's in normal academic's first class,and i am PRAYING hard that she will not screw herself up there.

anyways,got to go make tang yuans with mummy now!
love you mummy,kisskisskisssssss smoooch.
and then got to sleep early,tmr got to wake up early too!

BYE.

it was such a shocking coincidence today,
i nearly had a heart seizure.
is it a sign,i wonder.
am i looking the wrong way.
but no,i must hold faith and be sure of what i'm doing,
what i want.

IMISSYOUandyoudon'tevenknow-

nothing left to say

2007-12-21T02:24:00.000+08:00

To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
I have to be strong
And leave you behind

I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do

i'm just,so,so sorry..

you're all bark but no bite

2007-12-20T23:03:00.000+08:00

to do list:

buy wrapping paper.
figure out what to do for christmas eve.
figure how to pass everyone their gifts.
get new bag.
new shoes.
stationery.
rush hols homework.
haircut.

pfft.so much to do,so little time.
prolly cos i wasted the holidays away.
sleep,play,sleep,play.
pretty much sums up my holidays so far ahh.

gonna go to bedok view tmr with sheila and then shopping with mum,
and movie at night with the BFFs.
shall read abit of poe later.

mantra of the day: let them bitch cos it don't matter,cos they want what i have but they can't get it. (:

CLARALOCKMEIJIN,when is xiaolongbaos!
SALLYpok,the sparklers have probably rotted.

Let me know if it's gonna be you
Boy, you've got some things to prove
Let me know that you'll keep me safe
I don't want you to run away so
Let me know that you'll call on time
Let me know that you won't be shy
Will you wipe my tears away
Will you hold me close and safe
you think you can do that?
or are you gonna need a dummy's guide to wooing girls boy.hmm? (:
sometimes it really hurts because when i look back and i see that i trusted you i wonder why things ended up this way,
but its ok i don't need you anyway
it just hurts because i still treated you with love but you turned it around and hit me from behind.
at least now i know.

LAST MINUTE RUSH-

2007-12-20T16:36:00.000+08:00

today's weather is fantastic.
slightly cloudy and windy and veryvery cool.

aaaaaaaahhhhhh.

on a heavier stupider note.
was supposed to meet jerald tang in t morning to eat xiaolongbaos at the airport,
but i backed out at the last minute.
very sleeepy ahh.
then,he suggested dinner.
then another friend suggested dinner.

HAHA in the end i'm staying home.
oh wells,also good la.

shall tackle the oh so very boring romanticism for sova.
maybe i'll pop down to PP later,
got to pick up wrapping paper ahh.
need to trim my hair.

you cut me open and i
keep bleeding
keep keep bleeding love.

on a lighter note,
5 more days to xmas!
(:

OH SHIT have yet to preorder the christmas food.
OHOHOH.

haha think i'll rush down to PP now.

trashy generation.

2007-12-19T20:00:00.000+08:00

am watching mtv now.
and its top 100 hits.

50 was enrique.
49 was amerie,take control.
48 was hilary duff,stranger.
47 was good charlotte,keep your hands on my girl.
46 is P diddy feat. nicole schezinger-come to me.

watching the repective music vids,i realized something.

what a trashy generation we are.
in every video,there never fails to be some grinding,cleavage and more and sexual images.
everything is suggestive and all that.

pfft.not that i'm a nun,but yeah.too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

but woo is nicole scherzinger smokin hot or what.
but P diddy can't dance for nuts man.the guy looks like a freakin grasshopper.
hahahhaha.

a grasshopper on a hot tin roof.

RAIN IS FALLING GENTLY,

2007-12-19T16:19:00.000+08:00

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
(When it deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive

good morning.(haha i just woke up la.)
skipped last day of art camp today,oh wells.
supposed to meet rara today for study session and xiaolongbaos but silly girl pulled out after awhile.
then was supposed to go catch a movie or something with fuchuanrong but mum's in a bad mood.
i think.
cos sheila got into bedok view N(A) stream.
HAIYAAA.
damnit.
&$&*(&%#$%*&(.
nvm,what counts is the individual so since school's so near home.
hahahhahahhahahaha.i will watch over you like a watchdog and catch you home everyday and if your skirts too short i will smack you.

anyway i am hungry roar roar.
i am craving for damnit xiaolongbaos and great company to talk and laugh with.
oh,where have all my girlfriends gone to?
oooh i forget one doesn't take pork(haha fad!) another's in camp another is confined at home
and the other two i will meet on friday.

ok la,not too bad.

by the start of school term which signals the end of the holidays(VERY SADLY)
i intend to

finish Poe.
HOPEFULLY finish othello(fat hope cindy)
revise math and learn normal distribution
learn econs.(DIE LA)
play with sparklers with pokpok
pool session with rara and pokpok and daniel and fad
take more photos and experiment and brainstorm more.
do GP essay.

really need to start organizing study sessions in my life.

oh wells.

LATER!

die dying dying dead deader deadest.gone.

i really think i might die waiting.sigh,

poorpoorme.

INSPIRATION STRIKES

2007-12-18T18:49:00.000+08:00

art camp was crazy fun today.

went late,but nothing much was happening.

so,sat down and stoned.

then ordered lunch and sat around guitars.

johnathan can do paramore on the guitar,AWESOME.

starlight also.
maybe they're very easy,i don't know.but wah.to me its good la. (:

cleaned the art room up(bloody mess).
and stoned over my coursework.

but,now!

I HAVE DIRECTION!!!!!!!

*dances around in mad little twist.

i am doing........hahahhaha.
so unexpected.

photography and projection and maybe abit of painting.

am going to experiment with batik paint and rice paper i think.

YAY!

have to get cracking,set up mindmap and schedule and loads of shizz. (:

unnamed.

a glimpse into heaven?

DUMBDUMB bitchy fad is supposed to meet me today after 6 to go TM together and fabulouse might drop by and see us,but bitch is now at VIVO with bangbang watching golden compass.

sigh,see la got boyfriend ready leave poor me alone to sit here dejectedly and stare at the gloomy horizon.and wonder if you'r thinking of me too.

HAHAHAHA.bitch owes me one. ;p

ANYWAY i got to go orchard during the night to take photos for experimentation.

is my only chance during the xmas season as i need to use the lights and stuff.so,yah.

ANYONE GO WITH MEE and endure my clickclickclick away on the camera while you stand there half bored to death?hahahha.

think i might really join photography club next year ready.haha.

take photos photos photos!!!!!!

andand need to take note of photography exhibitions and such.

oh well.think i'll start now.

BYEBYE-

MUSINGS,

2007-12-17T22:26:00.001+08:00

OHMYSHIT.

A VERY SCARY THOUGHT JUST OCCURRED TO ME.
what if my teachers read my blog?

HOHOHO.
that'll be the end of my life.
all the fucks and horrible misbehaviour i record down will just ensure my expulsion from tpjc la.
or at least retainment.(i don't want!)

butbut,i just cannot imagine miss norzian going through my blog.(scarrrryyyyyy.)

anyways,if you teachers from tpjc really do(you mean you actually waste time checking up on me?)
i have made a study list!

which i will put to action immediately.
like,now.
now.this very instant.

or maybe after my dinner. (:

new resolution

2007-12-17T19:53:00.000+08:00

THATS IT.
THE FINAL STRAW.

from today onwards,i am going to readjust my sleeping pattern.
no more night owl,no more sleepless nights.

i shall go to bed at 12 and wake up bright and early!
for art camp.on time.

THATS IT.i am determined poised self-assured new age modernist woman.
like in bridget jones.right.

V.G

i,am also mad.

oh my oh my

2007-12-17T03:27:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHA

OH MY FUCK this is classic.

'i am very very xian. was soo sick last nite. slept frm 5.15 when i came home up to 9am this morning. nv go choir coz i was sick. i hate all 3 songz and i hate schl. i hate mdm er n miss chua !

guozhe is comin over later. hope he dun cum. not in the mood tto entertain him. not going tuition todaez. hope evry1 will miss me n cry. hahahahaha. going to stay at marina mandarin today. yayez!

ok gtg nowz. bybyez'

-taken from clara's blog,and this is the very first post.

HAHAHAHHAHA.
i know its rude to laugh at people,but OHMYFUCK WHAT THE HELL IS XIAN!
hahahhahahaha.

this is one of the times where i think i might die from laughing too much and not breathing enough.
OH CLARA,YOU SILLY BITCH I LOVE YOU SO.
daniel's not the only one who loves you,so there!hahahahha.

GOODNIGHT WORLD,AND CLARA.hahaha!

HAPPY DAYS.

2007-12-16T23:56:00.000+08:00

wonderful shopping today,

am quite contented.

now all i am left with is afew people's.

hahaha.but i am also left with zilch.nada.

i'm broke.spent.penniless.skint.

SIGH.

i've been living with a shadow overhead

i've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed

i've been lonely for so long

trapped in the past i just can't seem to move on.

after work,went to ecp with mama as she went for her nightly jogs.

so i sat by the beach and fiddled with my camera,and reminisced.and thought of you.

and,i took some cool photos!hahaha.

ok la,can't really see.

shall upload it somewhere else.

bought another black skirt from the mango sales.

saw awesome maroon purplish tights from topshop.

will get.also,oh shit!

forgot to buy my sparkly scarf from the MNG sales!

bitch.and,i've got camp tmr,

PFFT.

nvm,i might get the topshop one instead anyways.

AND THERE'S TRAINING TMR.

but i can't go,i have camp!

how to tell capt. atikah who seems fangry.

ohwells.i miss you badly.

DAI RUKU.

2007-12-16T17:13:00.000+08:00

woke up at 5.
awesome eh?hahhaha.

might go down to PP for xmas shopping later.
but,i don't feel like going to squeeze with the crowds la.
pffft.nvm.

still have damn alot of gifts to buy.wrapping paper,tags,ribbons,scotch tape.
etc.
must remember to print my xmas list out.
oh well.

i wish it snowed in singapore.
it'd give me an excuse to wear pretty winter clothes,haha.

without reason why,
my thoughts go back to you.
i am such a mess lately.
sigh.

today's a emo day,for sure.
but i don't know why.

oh well.later.

anticipating christmas!

2007-12-15T23:32:00.000+08:00

shopping today was awesome.

but fuck do i hate the crowds.

i hate people,like manymany people packed together in the same place like sardines.it is so annoying to have elbows poke me from left right centre back blahblah.

grrr.

got present for clement,hope he likes it.

got present for ziqqy baybee,rachel B. and myself.

ahahah,but mine not counted la.

i get things for myself all the time.

awesome gladiator sandals.

they are pretty and veryvery cheap.

and they're from novo.

i always thought novo shoes were expensive.

hahahha.am looking for your present,but i can't seem to find it.

and yes i know what to get ready. ;p

hahahhahaha.

have thought of what to get sister.

and clara and fad and pokpok.sort of la.

anyway,lovely day with clara.

the girl's an awesome bitch queen la.

hahahhaha.but rara,you said you would abstain!

nvm.you are a fish.

GOODNIGHT.

P.S- art camp soon!die die die.hahaha.

izui alyiskymrce os.soso bad.

cannot.must survive.must.

i'm not emo,i'm just depressed.

2007-12-15T02:12:00.000+08:00

am going for training tmr,
andandand I NEED TO DO XMAS SHOPPING.

because i haven't gotten anything for anyone.
i know,shitty me la.

hmm,who shall be on my gift list.

family.
friends.
pet.
myself.you.

so,got to do xmas shopping tmr.
who wants to shop with me?hahaha.

i'm sleepy.i think.

I HATE BLOGGER

2007-12-14T15:57:00.001+08:00

OHMYGOD-

BLOGGER STRIKES AGAIN.
this time,it deletes my previous post.

DAMNIT.i'm fed up.
think i'll be changing to LJ soon.

wait,when i tak boleh tahan ,its byebye blogger and hello LJ.

only reason why i'm not abandoning this blog now is because of sentimental reasons.

an entire years worth of memories.
i'm not so keen to let go,because its been a hell of a year.
and i've learnt alot,grown alot,changed alot in this one year.

so,for now i'll still be here,recording my memories down for next time.
(:

i don't wanna be one of them

2007-12-14T14:08:00.000+08:00

woke up early,but drifted back to sleep.
yawn,today's a lazy day.

am not going out today,except for dinner at TM.
(:

shit la.you'r not even gone yet and i'm missing you already.

baby boy when you're gone,i'm gonna miss you so
every minute every day
so hurry on and come on back,
come back to where we beginned
and i'll be standing here waiting.

damnit.all i can think of lately,is you.

i don't wanna turn into one of those girls who's lives revolves around some boy.
i don't wanna turn into one of those girls who's only thoughts revolve around some boy.
i really don't.

i don't want to have to rely on you,
have to depend on you.
you don't have the time for it too.

i found my sunshine.

2007-12-14T01:50:00.000+08:00

watched golden compass today,
was quite good.but,its quite sad,esp when lyra found the poor boy who had intercision.
i nearly cried.

haha,but quite good i didn't cry at all.cos you stupid,never bring tissue.

so walked around orchard aimlessly.
then,took bus down to ecp.

(:

i think i can grow to like this.alot.

slip your hand into mine,
interwine our fingers,
i could stay like this forever.
under the stars,
just you.and me.
i could stay like this forever.
<3

guilt trip

2007-12-13T14:07:00.001+08:00

and i reminicise,and i look into the past.
we were so in love,we were so together.

the teasing,the laughter the tears the kisses the promises.

holding hands with you,the long bus rides,
observing your sleeping profile,
fussing over you and your hair.
so much more memories,

it was love.every single bit of it was love.

i'm sorry i can't love you forever,i really wish i could..but i can't.
i'm just so sorry.
but its time for me to let go and pick up where my life was left off.

but to know we'll always have these memories to keep us company,
to know that we once had each other,
its enough for me.

i'm just,so sorry..

2007-12-13T04:40:00.000+08:00

KNOW I SHOULD BE SLEEPING NOW-

BUT THE FRICKIN MOSQUITO BITES ARE KILLING ME.

BLOODY ITCHY.

HOW?????!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I WANT TO DIE LA,MY ENTIRE LEGS LEH.EVEN THOUGH I WORE LONG PANTS IN MY TRIP.fuckkkkkkkkkk.